Today my mother left me here. She just left. She moved away to North Dakotah for a guy. She didnt even say goodbye. Because she apparently didnt have time. She just like me dad. She just left me here. Just when i thought we were getting close she just leaves and it doesnt even phase her. Why couldnt you just have said bye? Thats all i wanted was a hug good bye. You couldnt even have called me? Not even a call goodbye? Im never going to see you again… I just get left. As usual. My parents, both of them have just left me here all my life. I hate this. Have fun with your new life.. Ill have fun with mine. Have fun with your new boyfriend, have fun with your happy little life in a new state, where none of your kids are, have fun running around. I hope you get the chance to feel what its like to be alone. What its like to have the ones you love leave you. Dont come running back to me when he leaves you… Cause i wont be here. Its not like you were ever really here anyway. Just the meth side of you.. Its not like i ever knew the real you. You always told me you werent like my dad.. so what are you now?

Todays the day.. The day ive been dreading for the past year

Today, i go with my mom to pick up my dad. Im scared, nervous, confused. My mind is running through so many memories, and things that could happen when he gets out. Whats he going to be like? Whats he going to say to me? What do i say to him… Do i hug him? What if i cry… Is it okay to cry? Is it okay to not ever talk to him again after this… I dont know what to do. As pathetic as this all sounds, im just lost. Simply and completely lost. I dont know who to talk to. I dont know if i should even talk to anyone. This is going to happen whether i like it or not, my dad is getting out today. At 11pm tonight, ill be in the car, buckling my seat belt, and on my way to get this man i supposedly call my dad. Here we go….

That happened to me these past couple days. No one noticed. I posted about it on twitter and facebook. And ya know what got there attention? When i threatened not to help any of them next time they needed it. Then some people started asking about it. I needed someone anyone yesterday i pretty much begged and it took threatening to not help them in their time of need to notice me. It shouldnt take that much for my own FRIENDS to notice when i am in need of someone. My closest friends never said a damn thing either…. Why do i try and help others? Seriously. I shouldnt.. Because when i need it your all to busy. Im so sick of it.

My testimony.

Brittnee’s Story

Coming up here and talking about my life, the mistakes I’ve made and the love I’ve developed for God is the hardest thing I’ve done lately. I fear rejection, and by me telling you all what I’ve messed up with in my life, I fear you’ll all look at me differently.

Creation

But we’ll start at the beginning. I was born. But when I was born I wasn’t born to parents that loved me and were so happy to have a brand new baby girl. I was born to parents who didn’t want a new baby, they wanted drugs and alcohol. My dad was put in jail the day before I was born. He just didn’t care. As for my mom, she left me at my grandma and grandpas and bailed. Growing up no one in my house mentioned God. My grandma Dee, who I didn’t live with, forced me to go to church. But she never really explained God and what I was going to church for. No one answered my questions.

As I grew up I realized my father wasn’t around. I spent my days by the phone and running to the mail box hoping for some sort of sign he was there. Nothing. Because of this, I grew up not trusting in anyone. I kept to myself and protected myself from others. When 5th grade hit, my dad showed up and thought the world would stop for him, but it didn’t. I will admit, yes I was so happy I thought my dad was finally here. But it began to fade when I was constantly let down by those around me. My parents, who were barely in the picture, constantly promised me things from moving in with them to a simple toy but they always let me down. I suddenly developed even worse trust issues. The only person I felt I could trust and build a relationship with was my grandpa. He believed in me and didn’t let me down. There was not one time he promised me something and let me down. But still I sort of let people just walk all over me. Even as a little kid I felt depressed and alone.

Separation

When middle school hit, I stopped going to church and sadly forgot about God. I lived for not even myself, but for the acceptance of others. Just like any other teenage girl, I wanted to be accepted. I didn’t really try too hard throughout middle school. I just sat there and kept to myself. I never talked about my feelings. I feared the rejection I would get because of that. I felt alone and not accepted.

When high school hit, things changed for me. To be accepted, I let others use me and walk all over me. I agreed to do things I didn’t really want to do just to feel accepted. I dated a senior that took my pride away. I just honestly didn’t care. I still didn’t have a sense of God.

Sophomore year was just a confusing mess I began to lose family member after family member. I questioned why God would do this to me. Why he would take people away from me and cause so much pain. I never knew the answer. I didn’t know how to deal with my sorrow and pain. I just cut off the world.

When junior year hit, I started to find God, I went to church and youth group.  But I still wasn’t living for God. I didn’t think he loved me honestly. And then that year, I lost my grandpa, the one that believed in. He died in January and I didn’t know how to handle it. I sat there next to his body till they took him out. I cried and question God as to why he had taken the only one in my life who believed in me. Then things started to go downhill...I was living for me and well a boy. The last few months and the summer of junior year was when I fell my absolute farthest from God. I dated a guy who I thought would be there forever. He did bad things like drugs, and got drunk, he partied lived his life free and didn’t believe in God. He wanted me to drink and smoke pot and have sex. I did these things because I felt he would leave me just as everyone else had. I threw my life away because for some reason i felt protected by him and the words he spoke to me. He would tell me we would last forever.

But when I said no to smoking or drinking one day he would get furious and tell me I needed to be more care free or he would leave. I thought I loved him... and I definitely lived for him not myself at that point. He brought me good and bad things, mostly bad. He took away my life and the people in it. Then to make it even worse my grandma Dee died. And that question popped back in my mind, “Why are you doing this to me God?!”  Then my dad started drinking and doing drugs again and got arrested and put in jail for child neglect, endangerment, and domestic violence. Once again, he wasn’t there for me. My home life sucked that year. It felt like no one cared. My grandma constantly accused and nagged at me. I rarely saw my mother and when I did she was high on meth.

God with Us

But then I came to a self realization my senior year after going through so much it had all just hit me, I had discovered people who cared and answered the questions I have. I started coming to youth group every week and going to church. I found a youth group and youth pastors who truly cared. You guys have been there for me at my worst. When something bad happens you’re right there to help. Youth group became my safe place. Where I could go and pray and everything bad in my life would just disappear. I developed an even closer friendship with Carmen, not only had I gotten a best friend, but a whole family. I have never had that sense of family till then. Her parents  accepted me into the family.  And I just started to realize that people were there and the one person in my life who I knew would never stop loving me is God. And even though I have these trust issues I trust in God because ive seen him work miracles in others lives. Ive seen how he has effected others and it makes me develop a trust with God. I know from the bible that he won’t leave you.

New Creation

When I realized this my mood became better, my grades shot up. Yeah things still go bad from time to time, but its life. Right now I’m struggling with keeping myself happy. My mother is currently ignoring me because I care and that hurts. But things are starting to get better. Yes, I still have struggles. I still have trust issues. I still don’t believe in myself from time to time. I’m insecure and sometimes I honestly feel helpless. Because I’m human. I pray now. That for me is like spilling out my feelings to someone who will guide me through the things I struggle with. I do still have those moments where I don’t live for God, I live for me. But then I realize things are going terribly wrong because I’m not living for God.  I want to live for God because he does wonders in people’s lives. He lifts you up. The most important thing I want you to remember from this: you will have struggles, many of them in your life, you’ll have times when you just want to give up on life and God. But don’t because things will get better. God will guide you through it all. Just pray and keep that head up high. Even when you don’t think God is there and guiding you, he is. He will always be there for you. You just have to trust in him. Even if you cant trust anyone else in your life trust God. Even if you feel like your completely alone, realize your not alone. God is always there to help and support you. Trusting God will change your life. It changed mine. Youll just feel so much happier and positive knowing theres always someone there for you that will never go against you, turn their back on you or leave.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

'I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Hebrews 13:5

My secrets, well some of them

Father(s day)

A good portion of people dread this holiday, Most fathers either dont stick around or just arent mentally there.. I mean that in the sense that they drink, do drugs or just work all the time. In my case my father is in jail and the only man that ever came close to a dad is gone.. So in my case this holiday is useless. Why celebrate a day for a screw up who is in and out of jail? Which is exactly why i will do no such thing.
 It sucks that most fathers dont stick around, You need a father figure. Ya know? I wish my father stuck around honestly. But he didnt, and when he was around it wasnt really him.  It was him, high, and awkward. I dont even know my real parents, in a mental state i mean. Yeah i do know who they are, i see my mom regularly when she visits but its not really her. Its her on drugs. She was off of them for a while but then drifted back.
                                                                      I dont want to get off topic.
The things dads do nowadays just arent how it should be.. 30 years ago you didnt see dads running out of their kids lives did you? no.. So why does that have to be the case. You dont have to stay with the mom if you really dont want to. But dont go running away to another state and never speak to them again. Be there. Dont miss their lives.
In my case my dad was in jail when i was born, then left, he just left like i wasnt waiting for him. He never cared. Then he got married, had a kid, and decided to come back in 5th grade. But before he would come back he would call me if i was lucky maybe once every few months. Every single time the phone rang i would answer in hopes it would be my dad… He would promise me cards, gifts, and letters and i would check the mail everyday waiting.. only to get nothing. Why dont you have the decency to just be truthful? So he comes back, he shows up, and i feel like everythings great. I mean i had just met my dad. But the love drifted. He let me down so many times that i eventually learned never to trust him, it still hurt but i new i couldnt count on him. It was a patter, He would promise me something, i would get my hopes up and he would break his promise, id them be upset.. but when i learned not to count on my “dad” things got easier.. But i developed a hate towards him. Because i new this wasnt how things worked.
last year he got arrested, I was so mad, i blamed my mom. But now i blame the both of them. He did drugs and drank for Gods sake. He wasnt in a good enough mental state at that time to function. When my grandma dee died (His mom) I comforted him, i was there for him when he needed me.. Even though he hasnt been there for me.
 You know how hard it is to be let down all of your life? Seriously difficult..
   
         I just dont care about him anymore. I want him to know i cant ever be close to him

I seriously dont want to see him when he gets out.
                                             
                                                             I have no reason for Sunday…

62 power questions you should ask to reconnect with yourself (life literacy labs)

ry doing this exercise whenever you feel the need to reconnect with yourself, especially when you feel stuck or you’re at a crossroads on your creative journey. It’s interesting to observe yourself while answering the questions. Some of them aim for very subjective answers. And that’s the trick! (Hint: There are no right or fixed answers. And it pays off to mull over why you answer a question in a certain way.)

Here we go!

1. What is that thing that no one, not even your partner, your mother or your best friend, knows about you?
2. What would make you feel embarrassed in public?
3. What do you think is your biggest flaw? What have you done about it?
4. What is your biggest strength? How did you develop it?
5. What do you have to put up with in your life? How long have you been tolerating it?
6. If you could change your name, what would your new name be?
7. If you could change your appearance, how would you decide to look?
8. What color dominates your wardrobe? How do you feel when you wear that color? Why?
9. Which song do you sing only when you’re alone? What memory does it bring back?
10. Whom do you secretly envy? Why?
11. What do you really want? But really…
12. What is the way you often sabotage yourself?
13. Who would you like to please the most?
14. What do you think a stranger’s first impression of you would be?
15. What recurring dream do you have? What do you think is the message your subconscious is sending you through that dream?
16. What would you try now if you were sure you wouldn’t fail?
17. What was that thing you never tried because you were afraid of failure?
18. What was your greatest disappointment in life?
19. As a kid, what did you dream of becoming when you grew up?
20. What are you really good at?
21. What can you do better?
22. What worries you the most when you think about your future?
23. What really sucks in your life? Who has the power to change it?
24. What is your life really about? What is your purpose in life?
25. What fear could wake you in the middle of the night?
26. What joy could wake you in the middle of the night?
27. What are you grateful for?
28. What time of the day do you feel the most energetic? And what do you usually do in those moments?
29. If you knew you had only one week to live, how and with whom would you spend it?
30. Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply?
31. If you could be a fictional character from a movie or a novel, who would you want to be? Why?
32. What are you really bad at?
33. Who would you like to forgive and forget?
34. Do you often hear your inner voice? What does it usually tell you?
35. When was the last time you cried without anyone seeing you? And why?
36. What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you?
37. What’s your most striking physical attribute? Do you like it?
38. If you had the opportunity to go back in time and make a change, would you still want to have the same parents?
39. If you could go back in time and change things, how would you alter the last ten years?
40. If you could get rid of one of your responsibilities today, what would that be?
41. What is the biggest lie you tell yourself?
42. What do you think is missing in your life?
43. What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you?
44. What type of person angers you the most?
45. Who never fails to make you feel good about yourself?
46. If you could start all over again, what would you want to study?
47. Which type of intelligence do you wish you had: kinetic, visual, interpersonal, linguistic or mathematical?
48. What is your biggest pet peeve?
49. What was the one opportunity you always believed you’ve missed out on?
50. What do you like about yourself the most?
51. What do you regret the most?
52. What is the most hurtful thing you’ve ever witnessed? Why did it affect you?
53. What would you like most to be acknowledged for in your life?
54. What is the first thought that usually crosses your mind the second you open your eyes in the morning?
55. What is that thing about yourself you’re sick and tired of?
56. Who really depends on you? Why?
57. What was the main factor that played a role in your biggest mistake?
58. What was the main factor that played a role in your biggest success?
59. What childhood memory sizzles your heart?
60. What was the most frustrating period in your creative life?
61. Do you love yourself?
62. If you were your own coach, how would you guide yourself?

Review.

Ive never done a product review but i felt i needed to with this camera.

The Sony Bloggie.

Good things? Its touch screen, its portable,  Its got a good picture when you actually take the picture.

Bad? Where do i start.... So when you take a picture or a video, you have to turn it sideways in order for the picture or video to not come out tiny, also the picture doesn't focus very well, like you have wait for like 5 mins for it to focus.. And when you take a picture you have to wait like a min for it to take and you cant move because it will come out blurry..

Its not a very good camera in my opinion but thats just me. It really makes me angry that i have to turn the camera side ways to make it full screen. And the focus thing really pisses me off to.

120days.

120 days. That may not seem significant to you, but to me its 120 days till my life gets even more hell-ish and stressfull. 120 days till this man called my father gets out of jail. When he gets out he will probably attempt to be a better father or even try and be closer. Im not forgiving you dude. Get over it. I dont care what 5 months in jail has done to you... I will not forgive you. You do not deserve it, I was ignored by you for 5 years. Welcome to your karma. You have emotionally screwed me up and ruined my life. So father of mine, prepare to be ignored :D
i find it quite interesting you think everything could be okay just like that. Remember when you wrote my sister who isnt even your kid a letter first? Telling her you consider her a daughter. Hmm.. So what the heck am i? Nothing obviously. All this anger is building up inside me i want to just yell in your face and tell you how i feel about your pathetic pot smoking alcoholic child abandoning self. One day i will, then ill leave and you can feel what its like to be abandoned.
What made you think it was okay to just leave your own daughter? Did you think my mother was gonna take care of me? Did you? Because she sure as hell didnt. My grandma isnt doing anything but lowering my self esteem and depressing me. Is that what you wanted? Because thats what ya got. Do i blame you for everything? Yes. All of it. If you could have just stuck around and not messed up my life would be so much better.

Your an idiot.
           Nuff said,
                      Take that one in.
                                       Goodbye Forever Dude. have fun when you get out.

Father of mine-Everclear (also some life lessons)

Thank you everclear. You made a perfect song to describe me and my father. The lines "Daddy gave me a name then he walked away" Exactly right. Except it should go like this "Daddy gave me a name then he walked away and got arrested" Better! "Father of mine tell me where have you been" Where have you been dad? Oh wait i know... In jail, In montana, Fighting with my mother, Make a new family in montana, You decide to come back in 5th grade its not normal dude. especially when you rarely make contact with someone.
  Fathers are supposed to be there for you. Be there to bring out the shot gun when you meet a new boy and he questions them. There supposed to say good night to you. Give you an allounce and yell at you when you come in the house at 2am ( not that id perfer that). They are supposed to be there for you and your mom and your siblings. Did you know that 78% of fathers leave. Yeah. Big one there. But to believable. You never hear anyone say there mother up and left do you? Rarely. Most kids say i live with my mom or they say i live with my grandparents.
 Parenting is supposed to be something special. I obviously dont have kids, but ive been surrounded by terrible and good parents all my life and ive taken enough child classes to know. Parents take advantage of what they have. not all parents of course ,because ive met some really good parents, but most parents dont relize what they really have in their lives. They NEED to be there for their child.. Its critical for the first years of life.
 If you dont want a child simply use protection or dont have sex. Simple. If you are then you need to prepare your life for that possible child. Im no smart kid and im not preaching anything to you. But i have experienced first hand what its like to have parents that dont want kids. I was an accident child and i fully know that. I know my parents couldnt take care of me because they didnt have the skills or the enviornment. But i applaud my mother for at least staying in the town.
 Just think before you mess up your lifes people.
Think.

Untiled. Thats what ill keep it as.

So im listening to this song right? Its like the perfect song to dedicate to micheal.
Whos michael? If you dont know its the boy i fell for from february 3rd 2010 to sometime in august
I relize i talk about how i miss him alot. Okay i get, get over him brittnee im almost there.
I just need to blog once about him and ill be okay alright? No one reads my blog anyway..

Heres a list of good things he brought to my life:

• Love, he made feel so loved i was in a fairytale relationship. Like a dream. Ya know when you dream of laying under the stars, staying up all night, kissing in the rain, the snow, exploring everywhere with a guy, Practically living with him. He spent the night here or i was there. Everything youve dreamed of i prolly did with him. I mean you loved me like i had never been loved before. You understood so much. You helped me through alot. You were there for me when my grandma dee died, you were there when my grandma fought with me. You held me at night, Kissed me good night, always said you loved me. I admit we both took it for granted.

• Family, Yeah i wasn't THAT close with his great grandma. But his grandma and mom and sisters were so rad. His mom understood all of it. She was going through pain and she still wanted to hangout with us. haha. She loves Soy milk and organic food (cuz she had to) But we both love coconut. His grandma understood my love for god and talked about my church life with me. His sisters loved me. Theyre little monsters. I miss that mostly. Not necessarily him, More his family. I felt as though i had a family close to me.

• Fun. Yeah crazy awesome fun! I had the craziest summer of my life because of him. I went camping numerous times, Warped tour, enchanted forest, swimming, exploring the country land around him, Playing with llamas, Omsi, The movies, Sleeping outside, Seeing his silky chickens grow, I pet a rooster (ricardo), We talked about staying together for forever. I did so much! It was amazing.. Besides the fighting

• Friends, I made new friends. Caleb, Nick, Tyler, Aaron, Cody, All fantastic people that i wouldnt know without knowing michael. Some of my greatest adventuers happened with them there. Caleb and me were always the sober ones. haha. Nick insulted me in the funniest ways. We had so much fun.

The bad things that came into my life:

• Drugs and alcohol, He was and is addicted to Weed and drinks. I learned not to smoke weed, not to spend my money on stupid drug. You spent every bit of money you earned just about on weed. When you didnt have weed you about shit yourself. You NEEDED it. I think it was to escape your life. You werent always happy. I felt obligated to do some of the stuff i did. You ask me to smoke with you and i would say no, You say why not? Id say because i dont want to. You day But why? Give me a reason. That is one thing that royally pissed me off. On my birthday you about begged to go get your weed! ON MY BIRTHDAY! 

• Arguing, You blamed me for all of it. But infact you caused a large portion of the fights. Why? Because you dont have a sense of wrong when your involved. You really dont. You think its okay to go get shit faced with girls who you fingered last time you were drunk. Every drunk story you told me you either did sexual things or lit something on fire. hmmm. There were so many aruments, i guess relationships all have arguments. But you just dont see any wrong in anything you did. You wouldnt really discuss anything. Your family thought it was alllll me because you woudnt tell what you did. You thought you did no wrong. Your great grandma hated me because you couldnt tell them the real reason i didnt feel comfortable with you being alone with Quincy. They didnt know the real story of anything! I can garuntee they wouldve been on my side if the did.

• Possesiveness, You thought i was controlling? Oh no. You made me delete every single guy off my facebook, Myspace and almost my twitter. MY TWITTER! You were jealous of CELEBRITIES!! You hated EVERY single boy i was friends with. Friends, Keyword there. I had no feelings for any other guy but YOU. You accused me of liking Caleb, Nick AND Tyler oh and Job. Any time your friends were around or i met a new one you would ask " Do you like him? " The one time i ask you that you flip a bitch. I only asked you to delete all of the girls on your myspace because you didnt know but TEN of the 700! I asked once, You did it out of the blue cuz you wanted to. I wasnt gonna ask anymore. You asked a majority of your ex's do do the same. Oh and dont let me forget when you asked me first not to text guys. Yeah. Anytime i got a text you ask "Who's that?" I'd reply. You wouldnt believe me. Youd say "really?" Like i was a stupid shit. You even stole my phone while i was out of the room to check one day. I got a text that morning from an old friend who i didnt have feelings for that said HELLO! and you said you were pissed and going home. The other reason you were mad was because everyone had contact pictures. Why? Because phone can do that.. woopty doo.

• Bad ending, Yeah very bad ending. Not only did we break up twice before the final ending and i begged for you back, yes i did. Because I LOVED YOU. But it ended bad. Terribly bad the time before the final ending we were on the phone balling our eyes out. Because we both loved each other and didnt want it to end. The final ending.. My fault. Everyone was telling me " Break up with him now or ill do it for you" I didnt want to, i never wanted to. But the bad things kept popping up. We couldve fixed everything if we both put in effort. But it ended to badly. Ill admit it was my fault you never knew what really happened. Truth is.. Your buddy cody came over and convinced me you werent good for me. I told him you put me down alot, You did. I was never good enough. Ya you told me i was beautiful constantly and i loved that. But i wasnt up to your complete standards because i wouldnt get drunk with you constantly or ever smoke pot. You would constantly tell me i needed to be more chill. That i wouldnt fit in with your friends. That you couldnt take me to a party because i would bore you and bring the party mood down. Yeah. Right. Well cody, you see he came over (as i said) and llistened to it all i told him that you put me down. Know what he said? Your friend said That wasnt right and that he saw no flaws. He convinced me. I wish that night wouldnt have happend. Because me and you were slowely fixing out problems. Cody broke up with me a month later anyway.When we talked after we broke up you told me you werent happy what so ever. You never were. That you never had fun. Really? Thats a damn lie right there. You were always smiling when we were together. We laughed till we about pee'd ourselves. You were happy. Dont deny it.

 All of that impacted my life. I notice the bad stuff was longer. But thats because i needed to explain that more. I do miss you. I miss you a ton. But that's how any long relationship is. You miss them for life, Your never really over someone you really love. I really loved you. I never said i love you just for fun. Every single time I said those three words i meant them. I have no way of ever telling you to read this. Youll never know any of this. This will piss most of the people off that read it. It will make people think im dumb, Creepy or whatever they usually think. But this comes from my mind, MY heart, MY thoughts. Its what i felt.

Impact.

If youve mad an impact in my life your in this blog., whether it be good or bad.  ( in no particular order)

Cody Davis- Your a cool guy you really are :) I liked you bunches, Your really exciting to be around and swimming was fun. But remember that night you came over at like 2am ish? We lasted a month. Yeahh.. Now i dont wanna be rude so dont think thats what im trying to be, but i sorta wish you didnt comeover that night.. I just, AH!  It ended up not working out.. But thats the past. We need to hangout again.

Nick Estis- Nick, nick, nick, You are a wonderful man :) English is fun! ha. I like that i can talk about anything to you. Your definitly one of my best friends. We've helped each other through ALOT. I know we didnt work out, (not our fault..)  But you mus'nt leave my life k? :)  you have effected my life in a good way. You have been there for me through alot. I like going to panda express with ya x) Oh and your my dance buddy when we work the dances :D I wouldnt ever want that to end!

Daniel Rodriguez- You sir, Are a life saver. Where do i begin. You have impacted my life for the better! I have a guy who i can talk to about EVERYTHING, Yeah you laugh at me alot. But out of love! ha. I remember when Michael broke up with me, i was in your car. I turned to you and said "uhhm michael just broke up with me" and you were really? I was like yeahh.. what the hell. I read you the messages and you laughed! which actually made the situation better, I didnt ball my eyes out. Well until i got home i didnt. But thats beside the point. You flippen awesome! haha.

Jovan Carston- Yeah, You. You started impacting my life in a good way. But that went down hill, now didnt it? You were thee sweetest person i'd ever met. For the begining i thought i was in love (lust). Then you just drop me off the earth.. You dont talk to me anymore at all. You dont reply to my posts, messages, pokes, NOTHING! So jovan.. was i just another foreign girl you decided to toy with? Ha. Figures. I bet you have a wonderful girlfriend in New Zealand who is way better then me. To bad you didnt meet me.

Sierra Thompson- Your a great friend :) Im sorry i didnt hangout with you much at the begining of this year, or over the summer. I was never here. But i will hangout with you more.You have helped me through alot of things, lady! We have alot of great memories. Even when we move apart i will visit you, i promise! Plus we have cake class together, Hell yeah. haha. And we can still air bend FTW :D I love youu.

Alycia Riley- You have been my friend since 2nd grade. Our friendship has slipped :( I hate that. You were my first best friend. Dont slip away from me k? Your wonderful. You know and so does the world. You have impacted my life for the greater i promise you that. Most of my amazing childhood memories involve you! Remember when we used to go to 7 11 at one am? Or when we would turn radio disney up loud at your moms and dance around? x) Greatest times of my life.

Kyle Williams- Oh gosh. Ha. You caused alot of problems in my life. I remember when i first met you. I was in awe by your gorgeous-ness haaha. But little did i know you were a man whore. You made me the other girl the whole time i knew you. Not once did you wanna date me. Kiss me, yes. But nothing official. You flew through girls like i fly through bacon (faast) and one time you cheated with me. My dumb little sophmore self let you. Oh and i would always come crawling back.. Oh dear, But i dont wanna make you feel bad. You said youve changed. I belive you honestly. People mature.

Carmen Fraijo- My best friend. You've heard this all many times so it not new to you fool :) Your thee greatest person ive ever known. Youve made my life fantastic. Youve influenced me in all the right way. Brought me closer to god. You make me happier when im down. Life wouldnt and wont ever be the same without my best friend by  my side. When we move eto portland itll be even greater :D

Kyle Harding- since you probably wont see this then ill let my anger out about you. Your such an ass whole. You flirt with me, tell me you really like me, say were gonna date, kiss me, THEN IGNORE ME! WTF! I hate you with the passion.

Tonya Young- Your so exciting x) hahah. Jimmy like to dance dance dance! I love you :) You are a great friend. Remember when i spent the summer with ya? Hell yeaah! That was awesome. We need to continue to hangout more. More big group sleep overs. Im glad to havve joo in muh life!

Michael L.- Former ex.. You impacted my life both good and terrible. Where shall we start aye? Youll never see this cuz you hate me but i need to say it. One of the funnest relationships ive had yet. We were like a fairy tale couple. haha. yeah... besides the fighting, the alcohol, and the drugs you just loved. You tried sooo dang hard for me to change to suit you didnt you? Did it work? NO! I loved you like no other.. I was in love. In real love. But that quickly changed when you cared more about your weed then your girlfriend and when you wanted to go get shit-faced with the girl you did sexual things with while you were drunk. Smart one. Ha.. Then you acuse me of liking your friends. Yeah calebs cute ill admit that. But no. I wouldnt have cheated on you with your bff. haha. whatever.. Yeah i miss you like hell. I miss all those nights. But ill find someone better..

Mom- Hello madre :) You are so awesome. But i wonder every day why you couldnt have just kept me.. Lifes hell here sometimes.. I need my mom. But i cant have her :/ I also wonder why you kept haylee for a long time but not me at all. Did you try and take care of me? i hope.. I wish i could live with you. But im really glad your sober now mom. It means the world to me that i actually get to know the real you. <3 I love you.

Christian Houser- So, I liked you the moment i stepped foot in Mr. Delorenze's government class. Id catch myself looking at you. I couldnt help myself. So i found you on facebook and we proceeded to talk. Not quite sure what we had going on there.. all i know was i liked you to much. Literally everyday now i make myself almost late to class so i dont have to see you and your gf.. no offence. you deserve to be happy.

Brandon Cowling- Ohh dear. Remember math? I finally got the courage to say hello when we were in the same group. But we never really had anything going on. I liked you, i dont think you liked me. I asked you to a dance... you said you would consider it. So theres my answer you never like liked me.

Brian Kyllo- ha. guess what? I liked you when we had english together. I hated that class but boy were you cute. I tried talking to you on facebook but you ignored me. Now you talk to me though :) Your still cute.. shh.

Sarah Hanson- Since 4th grade youve been there for me. Our friendship started to slip when your mother started to hate me... I remember when we would sit in the sand on the baseball field and dig for shells. Good times. Or when we wanted to send nick that stupid birthday in a bottle? we were rad ;D haha. I miss our friendship. Wish i could get it back.

Caleb Davis- So glad we met. Even though you hardly talk to me.. You took me on some of the greatest adventures of my life. You were a big part of my summer. Remember when we went camping with all those random people and everyone was drunk but us? Thanks :) ha.

Nathan roche- We sooo dated in middle school haha. But now your one of my great friends. I enjoy hanging out with you sooo much you have no idea. haha. You are so funny. Truth is i will probably always have a little crush on you haha.

Christopher Mikkelson- You are like my dream guy.. but less asian xD hahaha. Weve had some realllly fun times, Our avatar skills, Staying out till 3 am, decorating the tree, you wearing my peguin pjs ha. :) So glad i met you.

Colton Mock- bet you knew i liek you all through 8th grade. haha. Your were my crush. Oh dear. haha. When i found you on facebook i was like heck yess! Your still so sweet. But i never talked to you really at CMS. Dont stray away from me, fool.

There are so many more people. This is just part one. <3

One Word ( not litterally)

One word. Means so much. But yet i question if it exists. Does this feeling really exist?
Does it really last? This thign called love. I question it every day. Every night. Why must it be so complicated? I just feel like im a hopelss case when it comes to love..  I start having feelings for someone and they show it back but then suddenly drop me off the face of the earth. It sucks because then im constantly expecting the worst out of guys. I mean i guess its better to just not get your hopes up then to get your hopes up and have them crushed. Wither way im still hurt. You think everythings great but then it all comes crashing down.
    XOXOXO  <3 brittnee

Muahahah

I havent posted a  blog since Monday?! Gosh.. Was i that busy? Don tyou hate when your weeks are so jam packeed with things to do you almost dont wanna leave the house when you do have free time? ha. I have had liek full time school all week. except monday. I go to high school from 740 to 245, then go to lbcc from 4-520. On Wednesdays i go to lbcc from 6-9. Im not complaining though, it was my choice. Im doing this to A. Graduate  B. Get ahead of thee game (: So i wont complain.  I still have a life but only on the weekends! Just like every other high school student. but i dont go out and party. Mostly because its albany, there are hardly any "Parties" here. I wouldnt if i got invited probably anyway. Mostly because i see no point in getting drunk and making a fool of myself. But anyway. Today im getting my haircut, not any different from how it is now though. Just shorter :) Ill attempt to post pics on here and facebook. Other then my hair cut im really doing nothing today. Saturday i  might hangout with a friend, same with sunday.  Oh the short blogs, sorry this one sucks.
XOXOXO <3 Brittnee

spongybobble?

Mornings

Mornings,
So bleh.. I stay up to late i guess you could say. But its not always my fault. My thoughts spiral late at night, Things are always on my mind. I try to go to bed early but i just simply cant. I lay there thinking about things of the past and present, sometimes even the future. I sort of have the way i want my future to be planned out in this mind of mine. Now i do realize that it wont turn out as perfect as i may make it in my head but hey its nice to have a plan right? exactly. Now evey morning i wake up (no i dont feel like P Diddy, Thanks for asking Ke$ha) i wake up, Shower, And lay there till i need to get up and get ready. I usually am not in the best mood by then. No its not because i am not a morning person, because i am fine with mornings. Its because i wake up to my grandma nagging and repeating herself. Usually you wake up and you need a few minutes to wake up. Not here! ha. Theres no laying there for 3 minutes to wake up my grandma yells "get up!", "are you up?", "get out of the middle of the bed". Now this continues for about a half an hour before i even need to get up. Fun i know right? No. Anyway! My morning routine is odd. I know this. I get ready, Eat and yes, Check my facebook. I guess you could say im sort of a facebook addict. But i still have a life, I still see the light of day! After checking my facebook i usually get a ride to school and sit there in the library till the bell rings and i walk myself to math. My schedual sucks. Math is okay, im trying my hardest but not really succeeding. Its hard, i know i have people to help me and i do get help. If i wouldnt have sat in the back this wouldnt be a problem. The teacher puts me in the back of the class and my grade slips. I sit in the front now and i never miss an assingment. Ya know how they say the slackers sit in the back? There slackers because when sitting in the back of the class its terribly easy to text, doodle and slack off. Heres where you say "well Brittnee you should disipline yourself" Why dont you try disciplining yourself as a senior in high school at 7:45 in the morning! ha.
      Now considering its no longer morning i had no time to finish my blog this morning so im finishing it now! The day went well, I didnt really have any bad stories today. well one but i shouldnt mention it right now. English was fun as always. I love that teacher, She is the greatest person alive! That class is fun because Nick, Thomas and Jeff are in there. Its always entertaining. Theres a boy in there that constantly stares at me. Its okay :) i stare at him to. Sad thing is... well he doesnt wanna be with me. He just wants me if you catch my drift. It sucks because the very minute i saw him i about died. Hes so cuuteee ahh! Oh well life will go on :) I like someone else anyway, Although we havent met yet i still like him already. Okay this shall conclude blog numero 2!
XOXOXO <3 Brittnee

The first.

Well my first blog aye?
This should be easy... NOT. What am i supposed to say exactly on here?
Hmm So basically Im this 17 year old girl who has had a hard life. I live with my grandmother who is just not the nicest person in the world. She is at the age where everything makes her angry, and she always thinks your doing something wrong. Yay, i know right?  No. Well anyway my father is in jail and will be in there till august. Nothing new to me. His been in jail all my life off and on and i didnt even meet him till i was in the fifth grade. So its not like i REALLY knew him. My mom is in a drug recovery house :) This is a very good thing. Shes recovering from her drug problems. This means alot to me. I never got to know my real parents and i dont mean they arent my real parents but i mean i never knew the REAL them. I knew them on drugs. I still dont know my dad for real, i am just now getting to know the real mom. The real mom is better then the mom on drugs!  The real mom is the sweetest person i know, she cares about her kids more then anything, Drugs don't matter and she has goals in her life. But you see this man i am supposed to call dad, really isnt. He signs all my cards as Shawn, No not dad, Shawn. Talking to him is like talking to a new person, like meeting the new kid. Awkward and a lot of silence. He just doesnt understand me and my life. He hasnt been there for it so how can he? He can surely try though, that would be nice. Anyway, I have a sister and a brother. I know its rude of me to say but i dont favor my sister. She is loud and rude. When i try to connect with her she uses it against me. Ill try and talk to her about life and she'll rat me  out for the things that ive said. I try and joking around with her and she cant take a joke. Hence why ive quit trying! I have a brother, Who is so adorable!! Hes thee cutest child ive ever seen :) He has an attitude but he's 2 so what can i expect right? If youve wondered where my grandpa fits into this well ill tell you. My grandpa died last year, He, in my mind was the only person who believed in me and understood me. He never accused me of doing terrible things i wasnt doing. He encouraged me to do my best, to graduate, to be the greatest person i could ever be. Now that he's gone its hard to be happy and motivated. But i am. I am doing this for not only me but my grandfather. Life isnt the same but i have to stay strong. <3
      Other then my family life im generally a fun person to be around. I am very loving i guess you could say. Maybe to loving in some ways. I have lots of friends whom except me for me. My current best best friend is Carmen Fraijo. She is the reason i have a religion. She has made me see god :) I dont know what i'd do with out her honestly. We have so much fun when hanging out! Its crazy! haha. I have other best friends to :) Sierra Thompson, Tonya Young, Alycia Riley, Jeff Camerena, Nick Estis, and even Grant Henderson (even though drama has happened). They all mean so much to me. Now theres a few other people in my life who mean the world to me. Daniel Rodriguez, You sir, are amazing. I feel so completely comfortable around you. I can tell you anything and you wont judge me. You cheer me up through the hard times, and show me good music :) I am thankful to haev you as a friend. Jovan Carston, where do i begin. You are so absolutly fantastic, i cant even think of words to explain you. You get it all. You may be busy and unable to talk alot but i still love you :) You let me make fun of your accent, You laugh with me and help me through those dumb life problems i have. You mustn't leave my life.
   anyway now that ive lagged you all on... Thats me in a nut shell :)
  XOXOX <3
            -Brittnee