Brittnee’s Story
Coming up here and talking about my life, the mistakes I’ve made and the love I’ve developed for God is the hardest thing I’ve done lately. I fear rejection, and by me telling you all what I’ve messed up with in my life, I fear you’ll all look at me differently.
Creation
But we’ll start at the beginning. I was born. But when I was born I wasn’t born to parents that loved me and were so happy to have a brand new baby girl. I was born to parents who didn’t want a new baby, they wanted drugs and alcohol. My dad was put in jail the day before I was born. He just didn’t care. As for my mom, she left me at my grandma and grandpas and bailed. Growing up no one in my house mentioned God. My grandma Dee, who I didn’t live with, forced me to go to church. But she never really explained God and what I was going to church for. No one answered my questions.
As I grew up I realized my father wasn’t around. I spent my days by the phone and running to the mail box hoping for some sort of sign he was there. Nothing. Because of this, I grew up not trusting in anyone. I kept to myself and protected myself from others. When 5th grade hit, my dad showed up and thought the world would stop for him, but it didn’t. I will admit, yes I was so happy I thought my dad was finally here. But it began to fade when I was constantly let down by those around me. My parents, who were barely in the picture, constantly promised me things from moving in with them to a simple toy but they always let me down. I suddenly developed even worse trust issues. The only person I felt I could trust and build a relationship with was my grandpa. He believed in me and didn’t let me down. There was not one time he promised me something and let me down. But still I sort of let people just walk all over me. Even as a little kid I felt depressed and alone.
Separation
When middle school hit, I stopped going to church and sadly forgot about God. I lived for not even myself, but for the acceptance of others. Just like any other teenage girl, I wanted to be accepted. I didn’t really try too hard throughout middle school. I just sat there and kept to myself. I never talked about my feelings. I feared the rejection I would get because of that. I felt alone and not accepted.
When high school hit, things changed for me. To be accepted, I let others use me and walk all over me. I agreed to do things I didn’t really want to do just to feel accepted. I dated a senior that took my pride away. I just honestly didn’t care. I still didn’t have a sense of God.
Sophomore year was just a confusing mess I began to lose family member after family member. I questioned why God would do this to me. Why he would take people away from me and cause so much pain. I never knew the answer. I didn’t know how to deal with my sorrow and pain. I just cut off the world.
When junior year hit, I started to find God, I went to church and youth group. But I still wasn’t living for God. I didn’t think he loved me honestly. And then that year, I lost my grandpa, the one that believed in. He died in January and I didn’t know how to handle it. I sat there next to his body till they took him out. I cried and question God as to why he had taken the only one in my life who believed in me. Then things started to go downhill...I was living for me and well a boy. The last few months and the summer of junior year was when I fell my absolute farthest from God. I dated a guy who I thought would be there forever. He did bad things like drugs, and got drunk, he partied lived his life free and didn’t believe in God. He wanted me to drink and smoke pot and have sex. I did these things because I felt he would leave me just as everyone else had. I threw my life away because for some reason i felt protected by him and the words he spoke to me. He would tell me we would last forever.
But when I said no to smoking or drinking one day he would get furious and tell me I needed to be more care free or he would leave. I thought I loved him... and I definitely lived for him not myself at that point. He brought me good and bad things, mostly bad. He took away my life and the people in it. Then to make it even worse my grandma Dee died. And that question popped back in my mind, “Why are you doing this to me God?!” Then my dad started drinking and doing drugs again and got arrested and put in jail for child neglect, endangerment, and domestic violence. Once again, he wasn’t there for me. My home life sucked that year. It felt like no one cared. My grandma constantly accused and nagged at me. I rarely saw my mother and when I did she was high on meth.
God with Us
But then I came to a self realization my senior year after going through so much it had all just hit me, I had discovered people who cared and answered the questions I have. I started coming to youth group every week and going to church. I found a youth group and youth pastors who truly cared. You guys have been there for me at my worst. When something bad happens you’re right there to help. Youth group became my safe place. Where I could go and pray and everything bad in my life would just disappear. I developed an even closer friendship with Carmen, not only had I gotten a best friend, but a whole family. I have never had that sense of family till then. Her parents accepted me into the family. And I just started to realize that people were there and the one person in my life who I knew would never stop loving me is God. And even though I have these trust issues I trust in God because ive seen him work miracles in others lives. Ive seen how he has effected others and it makes me develop a trust with God. I know from the bible that he won’t leave you.
New Creation
When I realized this my mood became better, my grades shot up. Yeah things still go bad from time to time, but its life. Right now I’m struggling with keeping myself happy. My mother is currently ignoring me because I care and that hurts. But things are starting to get better. Yes, I still have struggles. I still have trust issues. I still don’t believe in myself from time to time. I’m insecure and sometimes I honestly feel helpless. Because I’m human. I pray now. That for me is like spilling out my feelings to someone who will guide me through the things I struggle with. I do still have those moments where I don’t live for God, I live for me. But then I realize things are going terribly wrong because I’m not living for God. I want to live for God because he does wonders in people’s lives. He lifts you up. The most important thing I want you to remember from this: you will have struggles, many of them in your life, you’ll have times when you just want to give up on life and God. But don’t because things will get better. God will guide you through it all. Just pray and keep that head up high. Even when you don’t think God is there and guiding you, he is. He will always be there for you. You just have to trust in him. Even if you cant trust anyone else in your life trust God. Even if you feel like your completely alone, realize your not alone. God is always there to help and support you. Trusting God will change your life. It changed mine. Youll just feel so much happier and positive knowing theres always someone there for you that will never go against you, turn their back on you or leave.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
'I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Hebrews 13:5
